PRISON/POISON

Perhaps I don't deserve nice things

Because I am paying for the sins I didn't commit

Perhaps it was good that you left

It shattered the illusion that I

I am a good person

I am evil 

My anger is my curse 

My fate is my reward

The drugs were my escape

Even though they kept me alive

They tell me they're bad for me

So what is good for me?

Being angry or being high

I'm so confused because

I wanted help

But now it doesn't feel like help

It feels like prison 

Oh how much I miss the smell of cigarettes and weed from my hands

The lingering taste of alcohol on my tongue 

Each night I sleep hoping it will be my last

Why be alive?

Alive?

Alive in a lie?

Why even try?

What is anything amounting to?

The laughs of those who have fun with my despair echo in my ears 

My suffering the only thing that keeps them entertained

My stories the only thing I am worth 

My pain 

The only thing I can really feel

All my accomplishments

Are a joke

Mentally I'm not here I'm in hell 

A hell I wish no one experiences 

But how does it matter

For prisoners don't get free will

What we get is sentences

And I've been sentenced

So while you pray to your gods for my well being

They decide to erode the very essence of what makes me, me 

So with respect fuck your gods, fuck your medicines, fuck everyone, kill me

Kill me so I can finally achieve peace.