I died.

I've been dead for years,

My body has been

my soul's coffin,

A wooden frame of flesh

Each bone a nail

pinning me inside.

My ribs are like a cage for ghosts

Trapping all the screams

no one hears.

I walk through life like a procession

A funeral that never ends,

People send their condolences

with empty words,

But they don't realize,

This smile is just a wreath

Like funeral flowers,

Arranged to hide the decay beneath.

My heartbeat is the toll of the bell,

Marking time until the finaI decay,

And my breath?

It's just the wind that passes

Over a grave no one visits.

-Ritvik 

I broke a million hearts trying to give you mine

I became a person so vile, 

That my promises no longer carry any meaning,

I became someone who could not see beyond you

Blinded by you as if I stared right into the white snow, as the sunlight fell on it

I no longer care how much it hurts

If there was only a way for you to trust me

When I say I haven't loved anyone but you

Perhaps my lifetime is not enough

But I am certain that in another world you are still mine

I broke a million hearts trying to give you mine

I became so good at lying that I forgot what reality is

Living a lie everyday ever since I broke up with you

There are no words for me to apologize

There is nothing I have hidden from you

Even if there is no love for me within you

I will still keep trying to make your mine

Ritvik

I would rather silence my mouth forever

and listen to your stories about him,

than to admit this feeling of mine.

If a word from me would make

us strangers again, 

then I'd rather lose my way of speaking. 

So that 

l don't have to worry about moving

my lips in silence.

Ritvik 

Someday we'll be together

That day is when we both burn in hell 

Me, for my sins against you, 

and you for yours against me. 

In that moment beyond mortality

We'll exist 

For a forever to dawn upon us.

The memories a testament.

Ritvik 

how life fades away 

will often be a mystery

to me 

how the mighty palaces I made for my safety

crumble before the irony of fate.

my biggest mistake and my best decision,

octobers over the years have brought me both joy and pain.

let it be I say to myself

LET IT BE I Scream

but where does the misery of my fate end.

and the joys of life find me again.

I truly think I am up to no good

I bring nothing but pain and suffering to anyone who loves me

My parents, my sister, my love, my friends (the few I have)

I failed as a son

I failed as a brother

I failed as a lover

I failed as a friend

I failed as a person 

Maybe if I was better everyone would be

Proud of me

If I was a better son

A better brother

A better lover 

A better friend

I thought I was good

The reality is 

I destroy everything I touch 

I don't deserve to be happy

I just live in my illusion

I hate waking up

Because when I am asleep

I can atleast dream of a world

Where 

My parents, my sister, the love of my life, my friends, everyone wants me

I don't wish to die

I just wish I was never born 

Because I bring nothing to people

But pain and suffering

That is the curse I bear

I am sorry.

Perhaps I don't deserve nice things

Because I am paying for the sins I didn't commit

Perhaps it was good that you left

It shattered the illusion that I

I am a good person

I am evil 

My anger is my curse 

My fate is my reward

The drugs were my escape

Even though they kept me alive

They tell me they're bad for me

So what is good for me?

Being angry or being high

I'm so confused because

I wanted help

But now it doesn't feel like help

It feels like prison 

Oh how much I miss the smell of cigarettes and weed from my hands

The lingering taste of alcohol on my tongue 

Each night I sleep hoping it will be my last

Why be alive?

Alive?

Alive in a lie?

Why even try?

What is anything amounting to?

The laughs of those who have fun with my despair echo in my ears 

My suffering the only thing that keeps them entertained

My stories the only thing I am worth 

My pain 

The only thing I can really feel

All my accomplishments

Are a joke

Mentally I'm not here I'm in hell 

A hell I wish no one experiences 

But how does it matter

For prisoners don't get free will

What we get is sentences

And I've been sentenced

So while you pray to your gods for my well being

They decide to erode the very essence of what makes me, me 

So with respect fuck your gods, fuck your medicines, fuck everyone, kill me

Kill me so I can finally achieve peace.

Why would I smile,

You took away everything from me

My happiness my trust

On the brink of insanity here I stand

Waiting for you to bring me back

Tell me I'm enough

Because deep down you deserve better

And my head would look much better served on a platter than on my body

I know you read nothing that I write 

I want you  more than anything else I want you

I love you

But I'll never be enough or anything for you. I hope when I sleep today hoping I never wake up. 

I woke up again, again cursing my luck for being alive another day

While I waste my life away 

Everything I will ever do, I have ever done

Amounts to nothing because I lost that one fucking chance

Maybe I deserve all of this, I am not a son to be proud of 

I have made a million mistakes 

She wanted to eat choco lava cakes at 11 in the night in nahan 

I still managed to get two for her

She missed home

I brought her home to her

She was hungry at 3 in the morning

I brought her bananas

Stayed up hungry all day then 

Because I am out of money

Paying my debts (25,873)

My efforts, neither my talents, nor my skills matter

I am a failure

I will remain one 

Because I lost her

The one thing I truly wanted in this world

I lost

I am a loser 

A nobody.

I'm worthless

I can't even stop crying

I am alive because I want my parents to be at least proud of me once 

I'm just paying for my sins

Some day I will run out of roads to run on 

That day I'll lose

None of it is her fault,

It's all mine

I'll never be good enough

I'll never be hers

I fulfilled every fucking promise she wanted

I stopped bhenchod maal it was so fucking hard

Why am I trying?

A loser will remain a loser

I always knew I meant nothing to you

You still came back into my life 

You knew how much I loved you

You still came back 

You knew how much I could and did for you 

You still came back

But here now at the end of my delusion 

Out of inebriation 

For once I wanted you to come back

You will never come back 

Oh, the destroyer of me, my lord (my brain) whom this body serves 

Take me away from this hell

Take me away from her 

Take my mind and rot it till it can't think any more 

Take me away 

Break me free 

Because she isn't coming back 

After all the drugs only kept her away in my head 

But I keep wishing for her to come back

What horrendous sins must I have committed to deserve this joylessness of a life 

Faces around me laugh at my despair 

I am now beyond repair

Waiting for you to come back.

A fool, an idiot, a moron, an asshole, a violent psychopath I became waiting, waiting and waiting for you to keep coming back.

I wish I could rip each strand of your being away from me 

I wish I could forget you 

I wish you never came back 

I knew you were poison 

But I still swallowed your pain

You were the one person who I did really love

And I wish I never fall in love again.

Whenever I think of you,
I get scared.
You know the me, who nobody knows,
My white lies and the dark secrets.
Those little things you'd whisper,
about sitting together, reading.
You'd mess my hair and melt my heart…

Little did I know, you'd mess me up,
Make me sleepless, desperate and dead.
On the brink of sanity here I stand,
To fall into a gorge of insane sands.
I am living sans a heart, a soul.

Now I need someone to fix me up,
You know it's you, whom I need.
But I know you won't ever come,
and this is how it is.

To you I am an emotionless pervert,
To me you're the giver of life,
the most beautiful girl I'd seen.
It's an understatement, you're an angel,
But I am a meth-obsessed addict.

Watching you stand far away.

Ritvik Sharma 

I have a thousand pictures of you on my phone,

Yet I feel alone,

You're beautiful in them alright,

It's just its the pictures that now I only have,

But I don't have you.

Of times past I dream,

Of mistakes made, I wish I could avoid.

For every man must pay his price,

For what he chooses to make,

Of life.

Ritvik Sharma

It is so hypocritical of us,
Us humans,
We create a fake image of the world.
A world filled with joy and love…
And love!
Calling it beautiful, amazing,
Warm and caring.
When really it is horrendous, horrible,
Cold and unforgiving.
Thousands happy, a million sad,
Some crying, some dieing…
And we still glorify this killer.

It's a sadist, with the face of an angel
It's a bottomless pit, it only takes,
It's the fruit, which only poisons,
Making a fool, of us all.

And we still fall in love,
To feel alone, miserable
And pointless…

It's beautiful for you all.
It's joyous for you all.
It's amazing for you all.

To me it's a murder,
Killing a part of me,
Each time. 

Ritvik Sharma

The sound of your voice, 
The touch of your skin,
The smell of your hair,
The depth of your eyes,
The warmth of your hands, 
The sweetness in your deeds,
The harshness of your words,
The pain of your ignorance, 
The wrath of your anger,

Were everything, I loved...
Are everything I need.
It's easy to fall in love with you, 
You're intense. 
It's so difficult to walk out, 
You're definitely intense.

You pray to the Lord,
Who's given you joy...
While I ask him why...

Dieing I think I am,
And living in those memories I have of you. 

Ritvik Sharma 

I remember staring into your dreamy eyes,
I remember holding hands behind desks,
I remember bunking classes, running through corridors,
I remember you pulling me close,
I remember kissing you backstage, on the stairs, in the corridors,
I remember those breathless moments we had…

I remember you calling me a degenret, a rat,
I remember you walking away with him.
I remember when you said,
You'd wait forever.

Ah! I wish it were true.
But, I sometimes think,
Whether you remember me…

Roses are red and so is blood,
You give me thoughts I wish I didn't have,
Haunting my days and my nights…

Drifting away, far far away.

Ritvik Sharma

I was in love with you, I am truly honest.
I may have lied to you a billion times,
But you left scars on me, golden ones.
Wish I could have said it all.
But here it goes.
I felt miserable as you went,
and I wish I could stop you, but I was weak.
I never listened to the rain,
But I was fascinated by the rainbows it made.
Your smiles were the rainbows,
and your sorrows the rain.

I used to smile, when you'd look at me.
Now when you don't, I strive for existence.
Like a old book I feel.

But, I know you're in love with Jim,
and you know a Tom exists.
Like your other lovers, I am jealous.
But smiling again never felt this way.
Watching you kiss Jim,
It feels like a nail going through my chest,
making me bleed and whine in pain.

Now, I am out of blood, still it won't stop.
Like a shadow I remain.
A loss of thoughts it feels.
A deathly silence it casts.
It's better to have loved and lost, they say,
I just wish, I didn't have to lose you…
Atleast.
I know you wouldn't return,
And I don't expect you to,
you're a shooting star.
But I just hope you smile sometimes,
When you think of me…

Oh Summer! Just grant me this wish.

Ritvik Sharma

Shakespeare said the third stage was being a sighing furnace, 

Yes indeed, he sighed. 

Lost in her thoughts, musing, 

He cried.

Cursing every tear she'd shed, 

For every ignorant word he said.

From far away he watched her slay.

As she had fallen, now he fell.

Loathing every Romeo and Juliet he saw,

Hating the very idea of love.

Yet, falling even deeper in her thoughts 

He felt.

What he should've felt a long long time ago...

Ritvik Sharma